Look at this picture… A lion, a tiger, a bear friends are friends! Somehow against all animal instincts, these animals have found a way to understand each other, really see each, and be best of friends – I call this EMPATHY!
Sure, it’s easy for us as humans, to see someone or something that has less than us because we can see something physically, mentally, financially, or maybe even spiritually – but when it’s hidden in the feelings, emotions, or even a person’s day prior to encountering them – It’s very hard in our busy lives to pause and take the time to have empathy!
The Webster dictionary definition of empathy says: the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.
My simple definition of Empathy is:
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Making yourself 100% present to someone else (that means having a blank mind with no personal opinions, thoughts, or judgements)
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Listening, Hearing, Seeing, and Feeling the other person from their perspective & putting yourself in their shoes…feeling the world as them
Imagine if you went to get a morning coffee at the local coffee shop, everything seems fine and you’re minding your own business, but shortly after you arrive, someone comes in, and for some reason the energy in the room shifts, the person is clearly not happy, grumpy, angry, and rude and other customers notice – everyone is trying to stay away and keep quiet.
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What if… you could clear your mind, be present, and show empathy for the person (whether directly or just in your mind)?
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What if… you imagine what their life might be like before they enter the coffee shop?
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What if… I told you, that for the past 6 months this person’s life was falling apart in front of them. COVID caused their significant other to lose their job, they couldn’t keep their home on the 1 job, so the person lost their job last week because they were late to work to often, and then just before coming into the coffee shop, the person was given a speeding ticket because he was rushing to a job interview?
Ok, so this is pretty crazy, but you get my point – if you were living in this person’s shoes, you too would probably not be very fun to be around and might be snapping at everyone around you also!!!
Can you imagine if that person had someone who listened to them, saw them, heard them, and showed EMPATHY towards them? It might actually be the one thing to turn their life around!
If you think about it, life has been pretty crazy the last couple of years, I think it’s actually pretty reasonable to think that everyone has a lot going on and most people have had to work through hard, stressful times (Yes, even those that appear to have everything you could ever want in the world)!…Imagine what or who’s life you might shift if you made a conscious effort of showing more empathy in your day-to-day life with others!…And even bigger, what if we had a cultural shift, where people in the world actually felt like they were heard, seen, listened to, and understood? I’m pretty sure we’d have a lot more peace and understanding in the world!
While this may be my pipe dream😊, what I know is true and possible is having more empathy in our own family dynamic!
While possible, it might be even harder for us to have empathy in our own family dynamic. We have busy lives and often times we take advantage of our loved ones because they ARE family and they should love us no matter how we act or behave, right? Yes, but by doing this we are taking energy from them and if we’re not careful, we may take so much energy from them that the relationship becomes strained!
Remember when you’re 2-year-old was having a tantrum – what happened when you just sat, listened, heard them, showed them you see them and their frustration? They immediately got happy didn’t they? The tantrum was over – It’s because you were showing them EMPATHY!
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What if…you tried this with your teenager that’s driving you crazy all of the time and seems to just be rebelling for no reason?
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What if… you did this with your adult child who appears to never want to talk or see you?
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What if…you did this with your partner, the next time they are upset because they say you did something wrong?
Do you think you can do it? In the moment, stop, erase all of your defensive instincts and feelings, get very present with your teenager, adult child, or partner – hear them, listen to them, understand them from their perspective, and make them feel that you see them and what they feel? What do you think might happen if you did this – I bet you, I just bet, you will be able to have a wonderful loving conversation about the situation and come up with a solution that meets both of your needs!
If empathy can have this type of impact on Intact Family loved ones…Imagine how empathy may help you when you are divorcing, divorced and co-parenting, or when you are a divorced parent with grown children.
If you’re divorcing right now – how would it feel if you had someone that really heard and saw you, ‘all of you’, and all of the things that you are dealing with. Even more, what if you could really have EMPATHY for your soon to be ‘ex’, really understand them and what they’re going through? You might actually find out that you actually have more common desires than you think. Sure, you’re both going to have pain, hurt, sadness, and loss – everyone does and that is part of the grieving process. But wouldn’t it be great to know the things that you both have similar feelings about? You’d probably have a smoother, more rapid, cheaper divorce. You may even come out of the divorce farther down the path of healing – Isn’t that what you want?
“Yes, I want that, but there’s no way my ‘ex’ and I can do that, it’s not emotionally safe, we’re too explosive, it’s why we’re divorcing” That’s ok, good divorce coaches and mediators can help you do that, and just maybe they can help the two of you get to the point where you can show empathy directly to each other!
For those of you co-parenting right now, your world is even more difficult and stressful – all those handoffs and negotiations in order to be with your kids, keeping a job down, navigating school and activities, and navigating finding a new partner, or trying to share your life with a new partner! Who wouldn’t have a hard time with all of this?
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What if…both parents (and any step-parents) could actually stop, be 100% present, and imagine what life might be for the other parent, household AND For The Kids?
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What if…you could put yourself in the other parent’s shoes and live their life?
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What if…you were able to have EMPATHY for the other household?
I know this isn’t something you want to do because you’ve moved on and you just want to have a happy full life with your kids, but when you are co-parenting (no matter what that looks like) you will not be with your kids 100% of the time and your kids get to feel the love and affection of both of their parents, just separately. What a gift you could give your kids, yourself, your partner, and your co-parent if you showed EMPATHY toward your co-parent! I bet anything, things would get easier to navigate with your co-parent, there would be more understanding, the kids would be happier, and you would start to have less worries!
In the end, if you are able to begin practicing more empathy in your daily life, you will soon find out that it is a WIN/WIN situation for you because true empathy has nothing to do with the other person or how they receive it – it’s about you.
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When you show true empathy, you see the world from a different perspective, something inside you grows, you feel good about yourself, you fill yourself up, and you are a happier person – YOU WIN!
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If the other person is able to receive your empathy, you will resolve the issues and/or grow stronger in the relationship because of it – YOU WIN!
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Even if the other person is not able to receive your empathy, and you are committed to the self-healing journey you will have learned that the other person is not someone you want to spend too much time with – YOU WIN!
Ask yourself – What do you have to lose by showing and practicing more EMPATHY in your daily life?
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