Finding Your Center – What Do You Need to Do For Yourself?
Do you notice that you have been feeling uneasy, anxious, hypervigilant, or overcommunicating recently? Maybe you are actually having feelings of being confused, despondent, distracted, sad, or even angry?
We tend to have these types of emotions and feelings when we have lost our center (or in the sports world – we’re off our game😊). What that means is we don’t show up, make decisions, react, or communicate in a manner that is true to ourselves. We are allowing the emotional part of our brain to overshadow the rational part of our brain.
Divorce is one of the most prominent life transitions a person can go through, causing everyone to lose their center. For many they are off their center using only the emotional part of their brain for their entire divorce, only finding their center after the divorce is over.
I wanted to share with you a recent story of mine where I realized I had lost my center and what I did to find it!
Last week I was at the AFCC Annual Conference in Downtown Los Angeles. My plan was to be there from Tuesday evening through Saturday. I was rushed to leave my home on Tuesday and was feeling like I didn’t want to go because I was rushed but I left and arrived downtown around 4pm on Tuesday to check in. The conference was at the architectural landmark hotel, The Westin Bonaventure (the all glass and concrete building). As soon as I arrived something in my gut was telling me something was not right. I started feeling anxious, lost, unfocused, and trapped. Strange reaction when I was in this landmark hotel, I know!
I stayed the night, did my work in the room in the morning, and by 11 am I went down to my car and asked the valet attendant which way I could drive to actually see the sky and trees. I drove that way, found a place to park, took my coaching client call, and then took a moment to reflect on what was going on and what I needed to do in order to feel like myself again
What I figured out was that I had lost my center when I drove, in a rush, to a location that was so different from my normal day to day environment. (For those that don’t know, I live in North Malibu, up a canyon and have 2.5 acres. We have very few neighbors, no streetlights, and we see and hear nature all around us. When I need to chill out, I go dig in the dirt or pull weeds😉 My business events, networking, and personal time all take place in locations where there is abundant space and greenery all around, concrete is an accent to a building, not the entire building.)
Now the question was…what am I going to do about it – I’m here, at the conference, lost my center, not feeling good, productive, or as I can effectively learn or network AND I am here for 4 more days?
For me, the answer was….leave the conference, drive home (without checking out so I didn’t have to worry about the packing, repacking, checking in again), get centered and relaxed, and then come back to the conference with awareness that all the concrete of the hotel made me feel trapped AND it was okay because different is not BAD it’s just different!
I went back to the conference knowing that the environment is what caused me to lose my center, but this time because I knew what to expect, was centered, and had an understanding of where my reactions came from, I enjoyed myself thoroughly for the rest of the conference.
My experience reminded me of what my divorcing parent clients feel (100 times magnified) when they learn they are getting a divorce or when the co-parenting starts to get really difficult:
- This Divorce is ALL brand new to me,
- I’m in completely new territory and have no understanding of what’s going to happen (I don’t know what I don’t know),
- What do I do as a co-parent, how am I supposed to relate (especially when I have so many bad feelings right now about my co-parent)?
- Why is the emotional part of my brain saying: I don’t want this to happen (even when I’m the one initiating the divorce),
- And, what is going to happen to me, there are so many unknowns for my finances, where I may live, what happens with work, and what’s going to happen to our family.
In fact, when you think about it, just the idea of divorce, could easily knock anyone Off Their Center!
If you are noticing that you are not feeling calm, cool, and collected I would encourage you to take a brief pause and ask yourself…do you feel ‘off centered’ right now? If the answer is YES, then ask: What do I need to do for myself to find my center?
Asking this simple question may provide the space for you to ponder some of the things that are spinning in your head, such as:
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- I am feeling lost and need more education or information about the divorce process,
- I am feeling unequipped in certain areas such as finances or support for my children,
- I need a little bit of time to process what is going on before I meet with the professionals that are supporting me,
- Or even, I am not sure what’s wrong, I just can’t seem to get out of my emotions, I’m not thinking straight right now, and I don’t know how to change my thoughts.
Sometimes the simple act of asking these questions will help your mind to become curious about how you are feeling and that is a good start!
As a divorce, parenting, co-parenting, and life transition coach, I work with individuals before, during, and after their divorce become clear on what they need for their life, overcome the barriers that are keeping them from engaging in their life, create a plan that they can implement successfully, and empower them with the skills they need to support their children during and long after divorce.
Simply put I help healthy parents going through a tough life transition, find their center so they can continue moving forward with their future life!
warmly,
~janet