What can a parent (who just separated or is divorcing) do to support their children?
December is traditionally a time for joy, togetherness, and cherished memories. However, for families going through the emotional journey of separation and divorce, the holidays can be particularly challenging for both parents and children. Last month I focused on what parents can do to support themselves through this time of transition and this month I am focusing on how you (the parent) can support your children during the holiday season (and this life transition called Divorce)!
The most important thing a parent can do for their children during this time period is to give them the sense of security and safety knowing that…..Their Family Will Always Be Their Family (it will just be organized a little bit different)!
I know this might be a hard idea to consider in the moment (especially with the raw feelings that come with the end of a marriage) but if you were to put yourself in the heart and mind of your children, this simple message (both in words and actions) really provides the foundation they need to navigate this life transition.
Think about it, your child is reliant upon you (and their other parent) for most of their needs being met in their life. Helping reassure them with the following concepts:
- both of you will still be in their life (this will not change)
- your family will be organized differently but it will always be their family
provides your child with the most basic sense of stability and security they need to begin processing all the changes that will be occurring in their life.
The good news is that children are naturally resilient, adaptable, and are able to process change as long as they have a sense of stability, security, and love from each of their parents. It is only when their sense of stability, security, and connection with a parent(s) is in question that children struggle in life transitions.
Below are just a few concepts you can do over this holiday season to support the concept of ‘The family will always be the family’ and reinforce your children’s sense of stability and security!
Prioritize Open and Honest Communication
Communication is key when it comes to supporting children through the holidays during a separation or divorce. Create a safe and open space for children to express their feelings, ask questions, and share their concerns. Assure them that their emotions are valid and that you are there to listen. The key to creating a safe space is to understand that you don’t have to have an answer to your children’s questions or ‘solve’ their problems, just listening is what they need!
Flexible, Open, and Collaborative Communication with your Co-Parent
If possible, work together with your co-parent to plan the holiday season. Collaborative co-parenting can help provide stability for your children, ensuring that they can spend time with both parents during the holidays. Keep the focus on your children’s needs and comfort. At the same time, do not force a communication or activity to occur if your co-parent is not open to the idea, rather be flexible and understand that your co-parent is not ready at this time.
Focus on Quality Time
More than ever, focus on spending quality time with your children during the holidays. Engage in activities that allow for bonding, create lasting memories, and reassure them of your love and support.
Create a Holiday Calendar
A visual calendar or schedule can help children understand where they’ll be and when (especially during this year of change and transition). This can reduce anxiety and give them a clear overview of how the holiday season will unfold.
Maintain Some Familiar Traditions
While some traditions may need to change, maintaining a few familiar ones can provide comfort and continuity for your children. It can remind them that, even amidst the changes, there are still things to look forward to. Here’s just a few examples for how flexible and collaborative co-parenting might work when it comes to familiar traditions:
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- If one parent always hosted a Hanukkah evening with both sides of the family and all the children in both families, what about keeping that tradition for this year. If you keep the focus of the evening on all of the children in the family this can help to ease the tension and create a memorable experience for the children.
- If one parent always went out and got the Christmas Tree with the children, then how about if the parent still gets the Christmas Tree with the children and maybe this time it’s two smaller trees that the children help to set up in both homes now.
- If sweets, treats, and cookies were always made in the home and delivered to family members and friends, how about if the children were a part of baking enough sweets and treats for all of their family members on each side and they were the ones to deliver it to all of their family members.
Create New Traditions
Establishing new holiday traditions can help your children adjust to the changing family dynamics. Encourage them to contribute ideas for new activities, decorations, or special ways to celebrate. This can empower them and provide a sense of ownership over the holiday experience.
Create a Cozy Atmosphere
Make your home a warm and welcoming place during the holidays. Decorate together, play holiday music, and engage in cozy activities that create a festive atmosphere. Your children should feel that their home is a sanctuary during this time.
Encourage Involvement in Planning
Involve your children in the holiday planning process. Let them contribute ideas for meals, decorations, and activities. This empowers them and helps them feel more connected to the holiday experience.
Manage Expectations
Help your children manage their expectations for the holidays. Be clear about schedules and plans, so there are no misunderstandings or disappointments. Discuss how the holidays will be different this year and explain any new traditions or adjustments.
Encourage Connection with Extended Family
Emphasize the importance of maintaining connections with extended family members, such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. These relationships can provide a sense of continuity and support during the holidays.
Emphasize the Importance of Emotional Well-being
Let your children know that their emotional well-being is your top priority. Encourage them to express their feelings and provide resources, if needed. Reassure them that it’s okay to seek help and that their feelings matter. One great way to show children how important it is to talk about the emotions they are feeling is to talk about the emotional grief cycle, where you are in the moment with this cycle and how you have your own emotional support (friends, family, or professional resources) to help you navigate these emotions.
Create a Sense of Stability
Lastly, strive to create a sense of stability and predictability during the holiday season. A structured routine and consistent communication can provide your children with the reassurance that even in a changing family environment, they can rely on you for stability and love.
Supporting your children through the holidays while ending a marriage is a challenging endeavor, but it’s essential for your children’s emotional well-being. Taking this time to reinforce for them that their family will always be their family (it will just look a little different) will create the sense of stability they need in order to be able to process their own emotions and feelings that come with this life transition.
Wishing you a cozy, loving, quality, and tradition-rich holiday season!
If this is your first holiday period separated, focusing on what you have within your power allows you to embrace this new chapter of your life with a sense of optimism and the belief that it can lead to personal growth, happiness, and a healthier future for you and your children. As you navigate this holiday season, remember that you are not alone, and it’s okay to seek support. Prioritizing self-care, communicating openly with your children, and focusing on creating a loving and stable environment for you and your children are essential strategies to help you get through this season. Remember, the holidays are about creating meaningful memories and spreading joy. With the right approach, you can find moments of happiness, balance, healing, growth, and hope even in difficult times.
I have put together some resources on Amazon to support creating traditions, healing, growth, and shifting perspective, I invite you to take a look!
warmly,
~janet