Navigating the Holidays as a Parent
(when your marriage feels rocky or you just learned your marriage is over)
How You Can Still Find Joy and Balance This Holiday Season!
November for me really sparks the beginning of the holidays and for me this includes spending more time in the kitchen cooking and baking yummy foods that stick to the bones (and put on the pounds😉), decorating our home for the season, giving back to others, and spending time with people near and dear.
While traditionally the holidays are a time of joy, togetherness, and celebration it might not be that for a parent in an unhappy marriage or who just learned their marriage was over.
I wanted to offer some support and guidance to those parents who are feeling they are stuck in an unhappy marriage or who have recently learned that divorce is happening in their family. And you’re wondering, how can you say the support & guidance to parents who feel they’re in an unhappy marriage is the same as the support for a parent who recently learned that divorce is happening in their family?
I get it, it doesn’t seem like the same support and guidance is relevant but keep reading and let me know what you think at the end.
For a parent who is unhappy in their marriage the holidays can be stressful and full of high tension. You might be consciously (or unconsciously) assessing your partner (almost testing or judging them), finding yourself annoyed more easily (and making a bigger deal out of it) because of the natural stress of the holidays, and communications can become even more strained as your patience is running thin.
And for a parent, who just recently learned that divorce is happening in their family, this may be the last holiday season together in one household or the first holiday season as a family with two households. This is a very hard time for any parent. You might find yourself judging your soon to be co-parent, getting annoyed or even angry at your co-parent, or finding it very difficult to be patient and communicate with your co-parent.
As I see it, in both of these situations, you have the opportunity to shift your focus from what your partner is or is not doing to focusing on what you can do for yourself and your children. An interesting thing happens when you stop focusing on others and their actions and start focusing on you…your perspective shifts!
When you focus on shifting your perspective, you might find that your brain is more open to making this holiday season the season for you to heal, grow, appreciate moments of genuine happiness, and the start of a new chapter (in your marriage or as co-parents).
Here are just a few suggestions that can help you shift your focus and are completely within your control!
Self-Care is Non-Negotiable
Before you can support your children, you must prioritize your own well-being. Taking care of your physical and emotional well-being is not selfish; it’s a necessary step to provide the best support for your children. Make sure to get enough rest, maintain a healthy diet, and engage in activities that bring you joy. Find time to schedule moments of personal relaxation and self-reflection. Whether it’s a warm bath, a quiet walk, or simply setting aside some time to read a book you enjoy. Giving yourself these moments can help you manage stress and nourishes you. The thing is when you are filling up your own bucket you are not looking towards someone else to fill up your bucket….keeping the focus on you and off your partner (or co-parent).
Focus on What You Can Control
The truth is we really don’t have the power to control anyone but ourselves. Often times the unhappiness in a marriage is because our partner is NOT DOING what we want them to do, not meeting our needs, not present enough, not…not…not! And when they are our co-parent they are Not DOING what they agreed to, not on time, not with the kids enough, not…not…not!
Instead of spending your energy focusing on someone you cannot control how about spending your energy focusing on what you can control, what you do, and how you show up. Ask yourself, what do you want to create for yourself and your children and then go make it happen. Think about what can you do to create the atmosphere (in your home) that you want, the time you spend with your children, and the love you can provide to your children and others.
Keep the Focus on Your Children
Think about what experience you want your children to have this holiday season and then seek to create these happy and memorable experiences (no matter if your partner or co-parent is part of these experiences). Engage in holiday traditions and activities that create positive memories. Seek to stay present in these moments, really enjoying the here and now happy moments with your children. When you do this, you may find yourself smiling as you watch the joy on your children’s faces.
Explore the Spirit of Giving
The holidays are a time for giving and compassion. Encourage your children to participate in acts of giving, whether it’s making gifts for each member of the family, buying gifts for children who have no family or money, donating to a charity, volunteering at a local shelter, or helping a neighbor in need. Focusing on the spirit of giving can be a unifying experience for your family.
Set Realistic Expectations and Plan Your Celebrations
During this time period (whether you are assessing your marriage or starting new beginnings) it’s important to give yourself a break, understand that what you thought might be the ‘perfect family holiday experience’ might not be attainable right now. It’s time to reassess and ask yourself:
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- What does the holiday season mean to me?
- What can I do to make it memorable and enjoyable?
- What can I do to create these memories for myself and my children?
Once you’ve figured this out then you can plan some activities or celebrations for yourself and your children. It could be a movie night, a baking session, building in a giving activity, or any activity your children love. This will give you a sense of control, you will be creating your own joy for you and your children, and you stay focused on what you can do for yourself.
Assess and Create Traditions
Traditions can provide a sense of stability, comfort, and continuity during times of change. If you haven’t created your own traditions in your family, now is a great time to think about what traditions you want to create for yourself and your family. If you do have family traditions, ask yourself how can you shift the tradition to be more child-focused. For example, maybe your tradition was to adorn your home with your favorite holiday decorations, this year how about involving your children and having them help you create and adorn the home. By doing this you are creating bonding experiences with your children and building a new tradition that is based on something familiar.
Open and Honest Communication
While the holiday season is already stressful, it can be even more difficult when you and your spouse are at odds (or when you and your co-parent have different expectations for the holiday period). It’s crucial to have open and honest communication about how you both want to navigate the holidays. Be sure to become very clear on what you want and need for yourself first and then ask to have a discussion with your spouse or co-parent to discuss expectations, boundaries, and opportunities for compromise in order to stay focused on the children. When you are communicating with your spouse or co-parent, consider communicating using ‘I’ statements rather than ‘You’ statements. If your spouse or co-parent isn’t open to having a discussion, that’s okay and don’t force it, rather communicate what you would like to do and provide a time frame for them to get back to you on if they agree or have other recommendations.
Lean on Your Support System
One of the keys to managing the holidays as a parent is to lean on your support system. Your support system can provide emotional support to you by offering to listen, offer advice, being a part of your family’s holiday events, or simply provide a distraction when you need a break. In a time of transition, whether you are unhappy in your marriage or this is your 1st year separated, involving friends and family members in your holiday activities will not only provide a buffer for you but also help create new traditions and happy memories for you and your children.
Seek Professional Guidance
If you find that the strain in your marriage is becoming unbearable or that navigating the divorce and co-parenting is particularly challenging, consider seeking professional guidance. A child-centered divorce coach can help you figure out exactly what you need to provide a loving, supportive, emotionally healthy life for you and your children.
While it may be challenging to see it now, shifting your focus to what you can do for yourself and your children may just be the opportunity for a fresh start that you and your family need.
Here’s what I mean, if you are in an unhappy marriage and you shift your focus, you will find that you are happier and more content with your life. When you do this, you may actually notice your spouse changing how they respond to you. Yes, it’s amazing how internal happiness draws others to want to be around us. And, if this happens, then you will have created the fresh start your marriage needed.
If this is your first holiday period separated, focusing on what you have within your power allows you to embrace this new chapter of your life with a sense of optimism and the belief that it can lead to personal growth, happiness, and a healthier future for you and your children. As you navigate this holiday season, remember that you are not alone, and it’s okay to seek support. Prioritizing self-care, communicating openly with your children, and focusing on creating a loving and stable environment for you and your children are essential strategies to help you get through this season. Remember, the holidays are about creating meaningful memories and spreading joy. With the right approach, you can find moments of happiness, balance, healing, growth, and hope even in difficult times.
I have put together some resources on Amazon to support creating traditions, healing, growth, and shifting perspective, I invite you to take a look!
Wishing you peace, hope, self-love, growth, and moments of genuine happiness during this holiday season!
warmly,
~janet