Navigating Parenthood After Divorce ~ Embracing Your Role as the Only Parent in YOUR Home
I find that one of the toughest emotional challenges divorcing parents have to overcome, is coming to terms with the end of the ‘united parent front’ dynamic that once prevailed in the household. Even if your dynamic wasn’t always effective, you still had the implicit assumption that the two of you (that is you and your co-parent) are a united front when it comes to your children.
I have found that for many parents, the feeling of being solely responsible (or maybe accountable) for the decisions we make regarding our children can be overwhelming, especially in the early stages. Also, experiencing those precious moments as our children grow up without the other parent, can evoke profound sadness. It is important to recognize that these feelings are normal and valid.
Some divorced parents are able to maintain open discussions, present options, and cooperate on decisions concerning their children—an ideal scenario. Some may even find comfort in celebrating joint birthdays and holidays. However, for others, this level of parent cooperation remains elusive (at best)!
Regardless of your co-parenting dynamic, the reality for your children is that they do have two parents! As long as your children feel loved by both parents, are free to express their affection to both of their parents, and are shielded from any parental conflict, your children can adapt to their new reality of two homes instead of one.
As you are navigating your new normal and grappling with your emotions, you might find it helpful if you started thinking about yourself as the sole parent in your home. This doesn’t negate the existence of your children’s other parent; rather, it aids in detaching from the ‘parental unit.’
Reframing your perspective from the ‘parental unit’ to the ‘Only Parent in the Home’ may help facilitate a deeper understanding of your parental role. Consider questions like:
- How do I want my children to perceive me as a parent?
- What values do I hope to instill in my child(ren)?
- What experiences do I want to create for my children during our time together?
Finding clarity on your parental objectives will help to foster a sense of stability and security for your children. Children can adapt to differences in routines and habits between households and be incredibly resilient. It is the parental conflict that can significantly impact them.
Often times I find that conflict can arise from one parent insisting on their way of doing things, from eating habits to homework routines. Embracing your role as the sole parent when your children are with you allows you to define your parenting style, demonstrate your decision-making authority, seek out new support networks, and maintain focus on your time with your children. This mindset shift can substantially reduce conflict with your co-parent.
It is okay for you and your co-parent to have your own approach to food, routine, and style, as long as it doesn’t compromise the children’s safety or well-being.
And if embracing this shift feels challenging to you, what if you started thinking about the time your children are with your co-parent as if…your children are sleeping over at a trusted friend’s home. In this situation, it would be very rare that your children would be following the same routine and eating the same foods they would while with you. Never the less, you do trust that your friend will provide, love, and care for your children and your children will be just fine! The same can be true for your children when they have different experiences in your co-parent’s home (as long as you have the same trust and understanding you have when they are with your friend).
When you adopt the mindset that you are the only parent in your home, you may find that you are able to refrain from attempting to change your co-parent’s methods, become more confident in your own parenting values, and remain child-centered in your co-parenting communication
warmly,
~janet