Children Don’t Have To Be Another Name On a Wall (Lessons from a Veteran Co-Parent!)
‘Co-Parenting’ a word that ends up creating a entire new life for divorcing parents! Yes, I think many parents that are divorcing think that when the divorce is over, their life will be easier, better, and they will be able to be themselves. What I don’t think they realize is that while the marriage is over, their family is not and they will be co-parenting for the REST OF THEIR LIFE!
Here are 8 things I wish I had known as a parent when I was beginning my divorce!
1. Co-Parenting does not always mean that you and your children’s other parent are best friends and are sharing all information with each other. Co-Parenting can also be more literal, your children have two parents, two homes, and different ways of doing things when they are with each parent. There is a spectrum of what co-parenting can be AND your children can be okay with anywhere in the spectrum as long as they are not involved in conflict.
2. Sometimes the dynamic between two parents just doesn’t work and no matter how hard people work on things, a cooperative co-parenting plan just will not work for this parent dynamic. A parallel parenting plan may be a better solution for your dynamic. A parallel parenting plan is a plan that provides for each parent to have more autonomy in the decision making when the children are with them. This minimizes the amount of joint decisions to be made between the parents. For couple dynamics that have not been able to even agree on the color of the sky, this type of arrangement may be much better for the children. Why…less joint decisions means less conflict…children stay out of the conflict AND your children will be better off because of this!
3. It is almost impossible to know how to co-parent when you haven’t done it yet (even if you think that you have had an unengaged partner in the marriage, this is not the same). Take some time and think about what you want your life to be 5 or 10 years from now for you. Then ask yourself:
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- What is important for you?
- What is important that your children experience when they are spending time with you?
- Who do you want to be as a parent for your children?
4. Becoming a co-parent means you are now a ‘Single Parent’, YES a single parent (even if you have a new partner)! Your children are relying on you when they are with you to be their parent, support them and help them with their needs. Your children’s other parent is not in the home with you anymore so you are a single parent making all the decisions and choices in your household when the children are with you. So taking the thoughts you have for your future life and life with your children as a single parent, ask yourself….What do you need to do for yourself in order to have that life 5 or 10 years from now as a ‘single parent’? What does that mean you need to do for yourself to be prepared to take on this new role for your children? Do you need…
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- Time to process the emotions of your divorce?
- Space from your soon to be ex-spouse?
- To take some parenting education, read some books, or learn more about parenting?
- To figure out your parenting values and beliefs?
- To figure out who you are so that you are able to be there for your children?
- To find your voice and decision making abilities?
- What do you need to find your Single Parent Identity so that you can be an effective Co-Parent?
5. Children can be OKAY (and more than okay) as long as they have one parent (and ideally both parents) modeling healthy emotional, life, interpersonal skills, and someone who is there for them and their needs. This one I know now because my children are grown up and I actually see who they are based on the modeling they received growing up. However, at the time, I focused and worried about…what was being modeled in the other household. This wasted so much unnecessary time, money, emotional energy, and quite honestly time away from being present for my children!
6. Effective co-parenting does not always mean both parents have to communicate on every little thing, do joint birthday parties and holidays together, or have parent-teacher conferences together. For some co-parenting dynamics, forcing joint activities when there is tension, disagreement, or animosity will be worse for the children.
7. It is OKAY for children to have different rules, food, routines, friends, and interests in their two households. In fact, experiencing different things and maybe even lifestyles while they are with a parent is a great way for children to learn safely what they like for themselves and who they are as a person. It helps build resilience in our children. So the word ‘co-parenting’ does not always have to mean both parents need to agree on parenting values and routines it can just mean that the parents are going to agree to be okay with the parenting that happens at the other home and know that your children will be able to navigate the differences between the households. (of course I am assuming both parents are demonstrating normal range parenting safety and value guidelines)
8. And finally…I wish I had known that ‘Co-Parenting’ does not just happen overnight or with the signing of a document. Co-Parenting takes:
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- A mindset shift
- An understanding of who you are and your needs
- Understandign the past relationship dynmaic
- Having a parenting plan that fits your dynamic
- New relationship and communication skills
- And a lot of work, time, and practice