Honoring Your Boundaries – Why this 1 Thing is Crucial for Peaceful Co-Parenting!
Boundaries – we all know the word, but do we truly understand what it means for each of us? How do we find our boundaries?
I like to think of internal boundaries as a fundamental aspect of ourselves. It’s like when your gut feeling, soul, intuition, or whatever resonates with you, sends a signal that something is amiss or doesn’t feel right. That’s when you know your boundary has been breached. This feeling arises because your life is out of sync with that boundary, indicating a misalignment.
Recently, I was reminded of this in my own life. I maintain a small side gig from my previous life as a business consultant, working with a medical group for over 5 years. For some time now, I’ve known that I no longer wish to have them as a client. However, I’ve continued supporting the organization out of loyalty, staffing turnover issues, and various other (not very good) reasons. I convinced myself that as long as I had the freedom to work for them on my own time and was being paid, everything was fine and I would continue working with them.
But the truth is, when I work for them, I become grumpy, low on energy, devoid of creative inspiration, and burdened by a heavy weight on my shoulders. This internal boundary is telling me to change or end this business relationship.
A couple of weeks ago, I finally communicated an external boundary to the CEO, and this past week I haven’t done any work for them. In this week alone, I’ve been more productive, exercised every day, made time for myself, enjoyed quality time with my husband, and even connected with three new clients. All of this in just 5 days!
This experience served as a powerful reminder to me that when you live your life by honoring your internal boundaries, that’s when you feel complete and genuinely happy.
You might be thinking, “Janet, that’s nice, but what does this have to do with divorce, co-parenting, and ME?” Well, the answer is simple – everything!
When you are going through a divorce, you may not even know what your internal boundaries are. There are various reasons for this, such as:
- Boundaries were nonexistent in the marriage.
- The boundaries you tried to establish were not respected, causing you to lose touch with your internal boundaries.
- You don’t want to divorce and are doing everything possible to keep the marriage together.
- You’re ignoring your feelings and emotions, simply trying to “get through the divorce.”
- You’re prioritizing your children and putting yourself aside.
- You’re receiving advice that you must do specific things to settle or win in court.
- And the list can go on and on
For any parent going through a divorce, if you don’t discover your internal boundaries, your co-parenting relationship will be tumultuous at best, and the conflict will persist until you identify these boundaries and learn to communicate these boundaries in a solution-focused manner.
Moreover, if you have a ‘soon-to-be co-parent’ that is displaying high-conflict traits during your marriage and/or the divorce and co-parenting relationship, such as:
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- Blaming you and refusing to take accountability (maybe even placing themselves in the victim role).
- Engaging in black-and-white thinking, viewing you as entirely bad while portraying themselves as entirely good.
- Unmanaged emotions such as sadness, anxiety, fears, or anger that seem to appear disproportionate to the situation.
- Engaging in extreme behaviors like impulsivity, bullying, making threats, or levying baseless accusations against you.
You will need a well-structured parenting agreement with predefined consequences to support your family and keep your children out of the conflict.
The thing is, if you don’t know what your internal boundaries are, the professionals supporting you will not be able to help create the specific parenting plan details you will need for your dynamic!
And once you are in your co-parenting partnership, I have observed that most conflicts revolve around boundaries in one way or another. Here are a few examples:
- She is not following through with certain responsibilities regarding our children when they are with her.
- He is consistently late on transition days.
- He / She constantly demands that I do something or else face consequences.
These issues usually arise because one or both parents have not been able to identify and communicate their own internal boundaries effectively through solution-focused communication. To illustrate this, here’s a text communication between parents:
Mom: “Coach M needs a check or cash for $35 for the swim meet on Saturday.”
Dad: “To whom should I make out the check?”
Mom: “Santa Monica Swim Team.”
Dad: “Check is written, please Venmo me your half.”
Mom: “I will be spending that money on gas.”
Dad: “Not relevant. This is what we agreed to. Please honor your end of the agreement.”
Mom: “This is not what we agreed to. Especially since I have figured out what you have done with my money. Take it to your attorney.”
And the conversation progresses, escalating into a more negative space.
Now, imagine if Dad (in this example) had learned how to communicate his internal boundary in a solution-focused manner and responded differently to mom when she communicated she was going to be ‘spending that money on gas’:
Dad: “I will be happy to reimburse you for half of the $35 when you provide me with receipt of payment.”
This response respects Dad’s internal boundary of sharing expenses equally, provides a payment solution within his control, and communicates a reasonable request. Any further escalation in communication after this point does not necessarily require a response.
Understanding the importance of boundaries and how to communicate them effectively in the co-parenting dynamic is one of the crucial elements for achieving a peaceful co-parenting partnership.
I wonder if the next time you are in a situation where you are just ‘not feeling right’ as it relates to your co-parent, you might take a pause and ask yourself this simple question: “If you were the only parent your children had, what would you want to do in this situation?” Asking yourself this question can create space for you to reflect on your internal boundaries and may even provide you with insights into specific details that can be included in a parenting plan or any other contractual agreement to support the co-parenting dynamic.
As a divorce, parenting, and co-parenting coach, I support healthy parents navigate their divorce and co-parenting business relationship so that they, their children, and their family are able to have a happy, healthy, thriving future life! (And yes, boundaries is one of the foundational elements my clients learn 😊)
warmly,
~janet