New and Different Perspective Can Help!
I’ve been traveling a lot this month and it has given me the time to reflect. Sometimes when we stay in our comfort zone, we get stuck in the routine and forget to appreciate the things we have in our life. The traveling I’ve been doing has helped me remember to be grateful for all that I have been blessed with in my life AND help me see that ‘New and Different’ can be very useful to grow, appreciate, and build new traditions!
This time of year can be very challenging for Co-Parents and their children. Sometimes having a ‘new and different’ perspective can reduce the stress of the season and allow you to connect with your children in a deep and meaningful way, creating lifetime memories 😊.
As we enter this season of gratitude, family, and celebration here are some tips to help YOU and Your Children as a Co-Parent.
Tip 1: The most important thing for children is the QUALITY time they have with each of their parents, not the QUANTITY of time! QUALITY time builds the lasting moments in children’s hearts that become their future traditions as adults. QUALITY time may look like…
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- Asking your children what they love most about the holidays & then doing that with them
- Making holiday yummy treats and meals together
- Making holiday decorations together and decorating your home together
- making gifts for each family member together
- Doing a simple activity together (watching a moving, playing a game, ice skating, drawing, listening to music together, etc)
- and whatever else you can come up
Tip 2: Parents, tend to struggle with their emotions about the family during this season. Feelings such as loneliness, not having their children with them on important holiday days, gift inadequacy, am I fun enough….and the list goes on. These emotions tend to bleed into the co-parenting communication and create conflict. Parental conflict is very detrimental for children, especially when they are pulled into the conflict. Here are some ideas to prevent conflict with your co-parent during this time period…
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- Plan far ahead and have the transition days, times, and locations specific and clear so that every person in the family is able to plan for the transition
- Understand that things will happen (no matter how clear and specific the plan is) so having a flexible, reasonable, and accommodating mindset will help you communicate with your co-parent and will help your children have a wonderful conflict free holiday period
- If you are planning a trip and it requires the transition day to be very smooth, build in Plan B in case it doesn’t go smoothly (i.e., maybe buy trip insurance, maybe plan to leave on your trip a day after the transition day, etc) that way no one is stressed in the moment, there’s no conflict, and you can work to improve on the transition for the next year after the holidays are over.
- Remember, for children, a day is just a day. If they celebrated Thanksgiving on two days how special do you think they would feel? If you have a positive, open, and adventurous mindset so will your children.
- If you are a parent that is really struggling during this holiday season, know that the best gift you can give to yourself and your children is for you to be happy, healthy, and emotionally available to support your children with their needs. What gift you can give yourself right now while your children are not with you so that you will be emotionally recharged for when you are spending time with your children?
Tip 3: Children desire to be with their family (both of their parents) and the holiday season can be a time when children have stronger feelings around their parent’s divorce. They may even feel emotions like: missing one or the other parent, feeling obligated to ‘be fair’, not wanting to choose, wishing things were different, and having lots of fun doing the thing with one parent and not wanting to leave it to go to their other home and vise-a-versa. It is okay if your children have these feelings and it does not mean they don’t love you. To help your children with their feelings and to show them you are there for them consider these things…
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- Understand your children maybe be feeling as though they are on an emotional rollercoaster during this period
- Be open and ready to listen to what your children are feeling
- Let them know that YOU will be OKAY and HAPPY when they are spending time with their other parent (by your actions and words)
- Show support and true happiness for your children when they are excited or feel good about activities they are doing with their other parent (if this is hard for you to do, then imagine how it feels for your child to be smiling and smile for their smile)
- Remind your children that they are loved by both of their parents even when they are not with both of their parents at the same time
As a child product of a high-conflict divorce and as a parent co-parenting in a high-conflict dynamic, I know that had I had even some of these tips, my stress level during the holidays would have decreased tremendously and I would have been able to spend more of my time ‘present with my children’ and less time ‘in my head about my children and co-parent’ !
Happy Season of Gratitude
~Janet
P.S. If you are a co-parent struggling in your co-parenting relationship or this season, reach out for a free strategy session to help you find the one thing that will set you up to have a peaceful co-parenting relationship so that your children are able to become Happy Healthy Thriving Adults!
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