Co-Parenting | Tips for Divorcing Parents

ARE YOU HAVING A HARD TIME SEEING YOUR OPTIONS AND POSSIBILITIES?

During this heat wave, I woke up in the middle of the night with my hands so swollen and my ring finger hurting because the three rings I wear on my wedding finger were cutting off my circulation. I tried getting the rings off by putting my hand under cold water to reduce the swelling and putting thick lotion on my finger but nothing worked, my knuckle had swollen and the problem ring wouldn’t come off. I woke my husband up and begged him to cut my ring off my finger! 

The next morning, I began thinking, I hope I didn’t hurt my husband’s feelings by asking him to cut off the ring he gave to me…of course he was fine and just wanted to know if I was okay😊.

This got me thinking….how can something like this be used as an example for my divorcing parent clients?

Here’s what I came up with…..My ring had to be cut off because it was hurting me and now I have options for what I am going to do with it:

1. 1. Have it fixed exactly how it was….probably not a good idea as my body has changed and I’m starting to have my knuckles swollen more often (Isn’t aging fun😊)
   2. Have it fixed and made bigger ….. maybe?
   3. Is there something else I can do with it ….different design, made for a different finger, or many other possibilities?

These same three ideas can be applied for divorcing parents….the marriage contract has to end (be cut off), but the family is not broken it just needs to be reorganized differently!

If you are a divorcing or divorced parent, try looking at the ‘process of divorce’ in two parts: 

• • the ‘uncoupling’ of the marriage contract, AND
  • the ‘creation of the business contract called, ‘The Children’

In the second part, your business contract called, ‘Our Children’, take time to reflect upon this:

1. 1. The marriage dynamic is broken….trying to relate to each other in exactly the same way in the new co-parenting relationship will not work (just like me repairing my ring to exactly how it was is not a good idea)
   2. Co-Parenting is something that takes a lot of time and practice….are you and your co-parent willing to work with someone to help fix the broken communication so you can successfully relate to one another in this new business relationship called: Co-Parenting (similar to my option of fixing my ring to be bigger than it was)
   3. Now is your opportunity to create a brand new partnership, a business partnership called: Co-Parenting where both partners (both parents) in the business have the same mission for the partnership….Raising our children to be Healthy, Happy, Thriving Adults

If this analogy resonates with you here are some additional ideas that might help you think more about your possibilities and options:

1. What might you need (as a business partner for yourself), in order to meet the terms of the contract and be able to successfully contribute to the shared mission of Happy Healthy Thriving Adult Children?
2. Were you able to successfully problem solve in the happiest of times in your marriage? If not, then what details should be put into the new business partnership contract in order to minimize the number of problems you will need to solve together?
3. Imagine life 10 years from now at the big life events for your children…graduation, wedding, etc. Then ask yourself…

• • how do you want your children to experience these events?
  • what can you do about it now to help your children have that experience?

As a child product of high-conflict divorce and as a parent co-parenting in an increased escalating dynamic, I know that had my parents (or my co-parent and I) had this type of support from professionals around us, the emotional levels would have been reduced and I and my children would have had healthier childhood experiences in our lives.

~ Janet